Star Wars RPG Manual Parody
by HRMQueenSarcasm
Summary: There is no Star Wars RPG category, so I stuck it here. Set in the old Republic. Basically, the rpg guide to using prostitution as the commander of a covert operations unit.
1. Prostitution Manual Intro

The Republic Army's Manual of Prostitution  
for Commanders of  
Covert Operations Units  
  
(Or, Why Pimpin' IS Easy  
In Star Wars the  
Role Playing Game)  
  
This volume is dedicated to the finest pimp I know-  
Goombah Menudo-who prostituted my character for  
a ticket upgrade from third class to second.  
  
DISCLAIMER  
  
This manual was written strictly as a work of parody. I own no part of Star Wars, Star Wars the RPG, George Lucas, LucasFilms, blah blah biddy blah. I am waiting to see if I take the top bid on an Ebay auction for Ewan McGregor though. Anyway, I probably will never see a penny off this Manual, which is not to say that I won't try.  
  
There is not and probably won't be a manual for prostitution skills, referred to herein as "Do the Universe". It's a joke, people.  
  
With apologies to Rosie O'Donnell, and the sheep.  
  
With absolutely no apologies to Goombah Menudo or my GM, who created this whole mess to start with, the bastards.  
  
Table of Contents  
  
Foreword  
  
1. How Can I Use Prostitution In My Campaign?  
  
2. Can I Really Order Anyone to Take One for the Team and What  
About Dark Side Points?  
  
3. Specialization Skills for Prostitution  
  
4. Rolling the John  
  
5. A Word About Law Enforcement  
  
Foreword  
  
Greetings, Commander! You've gotten yourself this manual either because your unit is hard up for funds, intelligence, favors OR you're bored off your ass. Whatever situation you find yourself in, prostituting your team members can be an excellent source of income, intelligence, and entertainment. Prostitution has also been found to be somewhat effective as a disciplinary tool, although you do find the occasional nutbar who enjoys it. In that case, however, you should merely enjoy the profits your eager beaver can rake in.  
  
The author recognizes that there are both female and male prostitutes, and would encourage any commander to make full use of both genders and all species where applicable. However, for purposes of simplicity, whenever this manual refers to a prostitute as other than a bitch or ho, the pronouns 'she' or 'her' will be used.  
  
We hope that the following manual will provide you with a basic understanding of the necessary skills needed for and the situations in which you might use prostitution. And above all else, remember to have fun doing it! 


	2. Chapter One

Chapter 1  
  
How Can I Use Prostitution In My Campaign?  
  
Sex makes the world go round, boys and girls. We all know this. Since the first female being crawled out of the primordial ooze and went into heat around the first male being, sex has controlled everything we do. Men kill for it. Women use it. Governments topple, Nations war, Empires collapse... all because of sex. By the same token, since the first male had his first orgasm and the first female realized she then owned said male, cultures have known that sex is a powerful tool. Most cultures have sought to control this tool to their advantage by attempting to govern it. Power hungry males telling whole societies of sex hungry males that they can't have sex almost immediately created what we now know as Prostitution.  
  
Prostitution (noun) is defined in the Official Unabridged Dictionary of the Republic Government as being 1. the act or practice of indulging in promiscuous sexual relations especially for money; or 2. the state of being prostituted. Prostitution is defined by Stoatie Cherrytown, notorious pimp, as being "What my bitches be doin' to get me my scrill on."  
  
The Universe is a big place, which you (as a hardened and experienced veteran of space travel) already know. Not all of the planets in this Universe are controlled by or welcome the Republic and its soldiers. Additionally, as a covert military operation, you haven't exactly been authorized by your superiors to just walk up to the counter of the local bank of whatever planet you are on and negotiate a credit transfer. No, you are expected to be resourceful and provide for yourself and your team members in an expert manner.  
  
Short on funds? Pimp your stable out at lunchtime on payday in the local business district for some quick credits. Can't gather intelligence successfully and have no favors to burn? Catching the local politicians in compromising positions is a time honored use of prostitution. Haven't got the battle and stealth skills in your team to successfully remove that unit of stormtroopers from their posts so you can infiltrate the base? That's right! Distract them with a ho! Prostitution is as useful to you as your imagination can make it.  
  
Having difficulties with a team member? Can't get her to toe the line no matter how many times she gets ordered to service the ship's personal sanitation devices? Why not consider prostitution? Next time, before you waste good credits on a bribe, consider trading her sexual services instead. It will take your little rebel a good long while to get the bitter taste of insubordination out of her mouth. 


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter 2  
  
Can I Really Order Anyone to Take One for the Team, and What About Dark Side Points?  
  
The answer is YES! You can order your team members to do pretty much anything. After all, it's not as if they can trot over to the General's office, or file a complaint with their local Republic Recruiter. You are a covert operations unit! Your superiors disavow any knowledge of your team's existence, and therefore your actions! It's a license to kill!  
  
A quick word about Dark Side points. How important is being a goody-goody lightsider anyway? Sure, you'll take on a few dark side points if you make much use of your pimping skills. Just make it a point to save the occasional kid or puppy and it'll all balance out to a nice neutral in the long run. 


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter 3  
  
Specialization Skills for Prostitution  
  
There are two sets of skills needed to do well role playing prostitution in the Star Wars Universe. The first set we'll talk about here in this chapter. They are the skills that are required for you, as the commander, to pimp effectively. These skills primarily fall under your Perception and Knowledge attributes. Of course, Command is an important skill here, because your team must do as you order. But equally important are pips in Persuasion, Bargain, Con, Alien Species, Cultures, Intimidation, Streetwise, Law Enforcement and Value.  
  
Well, Gee! That makes pimping seem difficult! I certainly don't want to waste valuable character points that I can use to develop my blaster skills. How hard is it to pimp? As the party leader you have many of these important skills in your repertoire already. For things like Cultures, Law Enforcement, and Alien Species where knowledge of a subject is required, it is perfectly acceptable to Command that information out of an appropriate subordinate if you choose not to build your skills in this direction. Obviously the more hands on situations require that you actually possess the skill yourself.  
  
Let's take a look at each skill on a brief but individual basis:  
  
Alien Species: Believe it or not, some alien species are asexual. They don't have sex organs, and don't enjoy any kind of sexual relationship with anything or anyone. Knowing who they are means you don't waste your time attempting to persuade them to hire your bitch, or bribe them with sexual favors. Additionally, knowledge of Alien Species will help prevent you from making bad judgment calls on sexual physical compatibility between species. Some things, even your expert doctor can't fix.  
  
Bargain: Since prostitution is most likely illegal wherever you are, there isn't exactly suggested retail price list running around anywhere. Bargaining skills will help you negotiate either a fair credit price or a suitable bribe in the appropriate situations.  
  
Command: Especially in the case of using prostitution as a disciplinary tool, your subordinate is most likely not interested in a being a prostitute. Your high level of skill in Command is what will change that negative to an affirmative. Consider the specialization skill "Smack My Bitch Up" to get results out of even the most reluctant party member.  
  
Con and Persuasion: Normally two separate skills, in this business Con and Persuasion go hand in hand. Not everyone you approach with a business proposition is going to immediately be interested in what you have to offer. You might have to convince that nervous politician or reluctant business owner that your girl is the best bang since the big one. The ability to fast talk is what will make the difference between the mere amateur who's just in it to make extra cash, and the truly gifted individual who can topple planetary governments with a single piece of ass.  
  
Cultures: Certain sexual practices are considered taboo in different civilizations, including things we might take for granted such as homosexuality or sex without the benefit of marriage. Then again, some civilizations might accept as normal things we find repellent, such as sex with sheep or Rosie O'Donnell. Putting some points into your Cultures skill will give you the information you need to operate your business within the moral constructs of the society you are in, whether prostitution is legal there or not.  
  
Intimidation: This is an invaluable skill to the successful practice of prostitution. Occasionally, you will run across a trick that will try to jip you out of your money, or a blackmail victim that will threaten to turn you over to the local authorities. The ability to successfully convince him that you will remove his naughty bits for him and cram them down his throat if he continues to think in such a manner will help prevent you from having to do just that, thereby losing potential favors, income and racking up an unnecessarily high body count.  
  
Law Enforcement: This skill is massively useful in the Star Wars universe, and prostitution just adds another level to the platform. Whether attempting to bribe the authorities to overlook the activities of your hos, or using some quality alone time with your best girl to entice a reluctant officer away from his sworn duty, prostitution and law enforcement just plain go together.  
  
Streetwise: The old saying that there is honor among thieves does have some merit. Every criminal society has its rules and regulations, where doing certain things and not doing certain other things will get you and your team horribly killed. Streetwise points will grant you the knowledge of what the appropriate steps are to work within or destroy the criminal community in which you find yourself, and hopefully ensure that you don't wake up one morning to find the head of a large animal in bed with you.  
  
Value: Skill points in Value will help to make sure you get the most money for your ho's effort. As we all know different sex acts have different financial value assigned to them, either for the skill level required, the inherent danger involved, or the moral 'squickiness' of the act, such as one would find in kinks or fetishes.  
  
Use of these skills on multiple party members or non player characters is governed by the Command Difficulty and Combined Action Bonus Tables, found on page 166 of the Star Wars RPG Manual.  
  
The second set of skills fall under Dexterity, and relate to the sexual skills needed to be a successful prostitute. They are broken down into kinks, fetishes, and bondage and domination, with a special section on erogenous zones of all species and interspecies copulation. Sexual Aids is the single skill that falls under the Mechanical attribute. However, these skills are not the focus of this manual. This information can be found in the manual "Do the Universe". I choose to mention them here because, like any other skill in Star Wars, the more that skill is practiced, the better the results. And since it isn't always practical or wise to use prostitution, just remember--it's good to be the boss. 


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter 4  
  
Rolling the John  
  
Now that you've gotten a good start on your pimping skills, let's talk about what the rest of your team should be doing. You don't want those lazy bastards sitting around on their asses while your bitches are hard at work on their backs (or their knees).  
  
This is where "Rolling the John" comes in. This is an entire category of skills that for the sake of convenience we are lumping under one umbrella. Is your technical guy twiddling his thumbs? Get him to set up some hidden cameras so you can bribe that Customs Official for favors with incriminating video footage. Need long term blackmail material on that Senator? Have your expert physician make sure your prostitute gets pregnant and that the baby carries his DNA!  
  
Let's not forget the classic sting operation, where your lackadaisical Jedi can convince that starship manufacturer that he's just been found with a murdered prostitute and that only you can make it all go away (in exchange for one small cruiser). Is some upstart pimp or drug dealer horning in on your action? Send your fighters to discuss relocation with them.  
  
It is also important to note two particular functions that the rest of your team should provide to support your hos. If your team is utilizing prostitution simply to earn extra cash, it is not always necessary to have your prostitute actually perform sex acts with the trick. It is often more convenient and faster, if less entertaining, to have your team jump the trick, mug him, and beat him up instead.  
  
You must also have your team ready to provide protection to your prostitute, both on the street and in the bedroom. Nothing can ruin your ability to prostitute your team members successfully more quickly than a freaky john with a sharp knife. Either your bitch is rendered permanently disfigured and therefore unmarketable, or she's too afraid to turn tricks again under any circumstances, no matter how well you apply the "Smack My Bitch Up" Command specialization. So be sure to put some thought into taking care of your stable-as good hos don't grow on trees. 


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter 5  
  
A Word About Law Enforcement  
  
On about 99 percent of the planets you will visit, prostitution is illegal. Strong skills in Culture, Alien Species and Law Enforcement will help you out here. Successfully utilizing prostitution on these worlds will require a cultural understanding of exactly why prostitution is illegal to begin with.  
  
In the rare instances where prostitution is legal, it is often very rigidly controlled. A few cultures even have what is known as a Sacred Prostitute. On worlds where prostitution is legal, if you decide to utilize prostitution, you should familiarize yourself with the cultural mores of the society and the business and bureaucratic requirements you will have to comply with. Cultures with sacred prostitutes will most likely not allow commercial prostitution, and will have severe criminal penalties for those who attempt it.  
  
In some cases, prostitution is illegal because it is considered morally reprehensible and a black mark on a person's character. A 'sin' if you will. In some of these cultures, your captured ho can be put to death for her crimes. It is always wise to use prostitution carefully in these environments, and have the rest of your team standing by to extricate. At times like these it may be easier and more personally satisfying to have your prostitute practice her skills on you, rather than risk losing them. Bear in mind that this is an ideal environment to win favors from officials that you have managed to catch with their pants down.  
  
In other cases, cultures have held onto the tradition of illegal prostitution primarily because they worry about social diseases, which is a valid concern. On worlds such as these where STDs are rampant no matter the species, you should only utilize prostitution if you have an excellent doctor in your party. Of course, if you have a particular disciplinary problem, then perhaps a good case of the crabs that you haven't got the ability to cure for two more planet stops could make your future commanding a bit easier. Either way, on these worlds local law enforcement isn't too likely to care much if you take a break from your travels to bankroll some credits. Be cautious of the local competition however, and have your fighters and Jedi on standby (This is not the street corner you are looking for.)  
  
As often as not, prostitution is illegal in this enlightened and personally empowered age simply because someone, most likely a local politician or high level law enforcement official, wants a piece of the black market pie. This is where protection money comes in, if you have chosen to spend some time setting up a prostitution and racketeering business. You are much more likely to be 'just passing through' however, and will need to be careful if you don't want your hard earned profits to be taken away by The Man. 


End file.
